The slippery soft soap

Dick Cheney has set our minds at rest. The United States doesn't use "torture" under any circumstances. All we do is strap detainees to a board and dunk their heads under water for minutes at a time. If they live, it's ok, because it's only "torture" if they die. It's not fatal the way our highly-trained personnel do it, so it's not "torture." And if they do die, what we fill out on the death certificate is Natural Causes. Also very, very, very, very, very true, of course. When you stop breathing, you die, but that's your fault.