Michael Jackson's Irrelevant Zombie Legion 2009

Gear up, people! There are only 127 days until Halloween. I thought he'd come back from the dead until that helicopter took off from the UCLA Medical Center roof. But Jackson already used the zombie idea TWENTY FIVE YEARS AGO in Thriller, so self-parody was already pre-trite. The kids are into serious Twilight now, so how could he top that? In a world where Uma Thurman is weirder than Michael Jackson, where your best comeback idea is a Hulk Retroid magic act with smoke and mirrors, well... Exit, stage left. Personally, my favorite entertainer in the Great Pop Exodus of 2009 is David Carradine. Bye, Bill, gone but not quite forgotten yet.

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Speaking of guys who don't look like girls, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford would be nuts to throw María Belén Chapur to the wolves, assuming his marriage is over, Chapur's still interested, and this is her. This is a little like finding out Jack Kennedy was tonking Marilyn Monroe — a notch or two beyond understandable, in my humble opinion. I have to admit my admiration for Argentina — always high — has been revalidated these last few days. On the other hand, Sanford is comparing himself today to the Biblical King David, casting Chapur in the role of Bathsheba (the mother of Solomon, as it happens). She seems a little more sophisticated than Sanford's carryings-on, so I suppose the five days bawling in Argentina was Sanford realizing he'd lost both his wife and his mistress. Wotta luser.

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